I Was Ambivalent About Having Kids -- Until I Wasn't

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I read this article last night and the woman's loss, struggle, and heartache brought tears to my eyes. Its a story many of us are all to familiar with.  I've felt loss and when I was younger I wasn't planning to have kids at such a young age until I had my first miscarriage I didn't know I wanted something so much until it was gone.

An {Open Letter} to My Endo

Dear Endo, 
     Before I heard the words "you have Endometriosis" I had no idea how much you would end up changing my life.  You were just a word to me, a really long word that I had no idea what it even meant an for awhile I couldn't even remember what it was half the time.  I never talked about it with anyone because I didn't think you affected so many people I thought it was just something the unlucky few got. I thought you could easily be cured by surgery.   I was way off you have affected my life in so many ways I find myself mentioning your very existence at least once if not more times a day.  I've said your name more than I have said the word flu.  Ive blamed virtually everything that goes wrong in my life on you.  You're not a death sentence and you cant kill but I have seen so many lives lost so many people give up because you took so much.  I find myself wondering often what we ever did to deserve to be physically overtaken to have all of our dreams become such a reach to accomplish.

   I often wonder lately if all the treatments to try and rid myself from your grip are maybe just feeding you more. That if I just leave you alone you will leave me alone and we can learn to coexist. The pain with TTC and Pregnancy and loss you have caused me seems to be worse the more treatments I try.  I'm angry all the time I'm angry at you that you have taken from us the ability to have children with little effort, the ability to have an enjoyable pregnancy, the ability to hang out with friends, eat what I want, work out like I used to,  You have taken so many nights away from me so many events I had to cancel plans for simply because you decided it was a nice day to launch a full on attack. 

I wish you could talk back I know talking illness sounds insane right? But I wish you could explain why, where you came from or what I could have done differently.  It breaks my heart to see my fellow sisters go though so much heartbreak, struggleso much for something others take for granted.  It may be wrong but I wish you didnt exist I hate my life since you came,  I find myself hating women who dont have you living inside them who can have babies when they want and dont have to deal with loss.  They dont know how hard life is for us they dont see all the ones who have lost so much due to you.  In fact it infuriates me.  Its a strange idea to think there is a part of your body against you.  what do you want from us because I refuse to give you anymore of my time.

In a way Im more thankful for life and the good days I have since you came but I hope someday you have a cure that future generations wont have to deal with the pain and heartache that you bring. Until then I guess Ill have to continue to learn to coexist with you even though its a constant push and shove relationship.

-Sincerely your host- Alivia

Infertility and The Holidays

I used to love the holidays! I loved every minute of them even all the stressful craziness! Then we started ttc... It will be five years in February since we first started ttc and four years this month since our first miscarriage. All holidays are hard but Christmas/December are the hardest. I didn't completely decorate my house for Christmas this year. The outside is decorated and my tree is up but normally I go all out. I avoid the baby section at any store. I don't go anywhere near Santa because my heart breaks seeing all the exciting kids and their parents. I will go to another checkout line at the grocery store instead of waiting behind a pregnant woman or newborn. My panic attacks and anxiety are getting worse. I feel like I'm drowning in all of this. Why me? All I wasn't for Christmas is baby!

TTC is tough

   I had no idea the pain and stress trying to get pregnant would cause. We have been going at it for almost 4 years, not actively trying the entire time, but not preventing it. We took quite a few breaks from actively trying, but currently have been for about 4 months now. It is exhausting, heartbreaking, stressful, painful. I could go on and on but I won't because I know a lot of women are in my shoes and no exactly what I am going through. 

   This month, I felt hopeful. Maybe it is because Christmas is coming up. A Christmas Miracle is just what we need and would be the best gift we could ever ask for. But my fertile window is now over with. I have no clue if I ovulated or if we BD enough, or if my insides are too messed up to even allow me to get pregnant. I guess we will find out here in the next week or so. AF is due on Christmas Morning. I haven't decided if I wanted to test that day or not because I will either have an AMAZING Christmas, or a depressing one.

   I have a 14 year old sister in law. We are very close and I tell her everything (although I probably shouldn't since she is so much younger, but she seems so much more mature for her age lol). Anyway, earlier I posted about how I went to go buy those little booties so Jeremy can unwrap those on Christmas morning with a positive pregnancy test if we happen to get lucky this month. Jacey, my SIL, went with me and she is the only one who knows my plan. She told me to text her as soon as I find out, when I take the test on Christmas morning because she wants to be the first to know. Lol! But it broke my heart when she said "I will be very sad though if I don't end up getting a text that morning, because then I know you are not pregnant, and I know how bad you wanted it." It makes me happy she cares so much, but yet, I also don't think she understands the full extent to it. She has no idea how long we have been trying. Her older brother, and his wife, just gave birth to their first little girl a little over a week ago, and they had some complications, but had no problems getting pregnant at all. I think Jacey thinks how its always supposed to go. 

  I just don't know how much longer I can go on trying. Negative tests over and over again shatter my heart month after month. How do women do this without going nuts or severely depressed? I feel like I am starting to head to that direction and I just want give up. I guess it gives me a little hope when I am constantly seeing BFP's on the TTC with Endometriosis boards. A lot of them were told, like me, that they would probably never be able to conceive, and now look at them. 

   Monday, December 22, I am going to the doctor for some blood work to see if I ovulated this month. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I did and that I just had faulty tests. I will keep you updated and let you know how it goes!! 

Baby dust to all my fellow sisters who are trying to conceive. My prayers are with you daily!

-Amber

My "monsters"

Days like today I hate the fact I have endometriosis its not just my endo its my gastroparesis and many other illnesses I suffer from.  Days like today when I'm feeling dragged down,tired, sniffly and just plain out of spoons and its only 12:00pm.  Ive learned how to live with these as I call them monsters running around inside my body but I'll never learn to like, or accept them.  I could have never imagined life being so hard. Countless days where all I want to do is sleep or lay down.  I've slept so much in the last few years I think I've done more sleeping than actually being up and awake.  Today is one of those days.  I have no intentions of getting out of bed, I couldn't sleep all night, and I used up my spoons making myself breakfast.  

Despite all this I know I can't let these "monsters" bring me down.  I can't let them stop me from my goals and dreams in life and I won't.  Growing up I always saw people suffer from being sick. My mom has ms and I never really understood what I meant, it was just words to me "cancer, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, dementia, ibs, chronic,sick, pain, hospitals".  They were just words I didn't know what any of them meant or how they felt.  But now I'm older and I have my own words "PTSD, endometriosis, IBS, IBD, POTS, migraines, scoliosis, asthma , gastroparesis, hypothyroidism, Allergies, IC, Depression, anxiety" I can fully understand what these words mean how they make you feel and how they affect your life.  I know how my mom feels daily and the sad part is I think she has more good days than me.  Even on her worst days she doesn't give up or let it bring her down.   I wish I was half that strong I find myself wondering on a daily basis how I ended up with so many "monsters" was I born this way? Did I come in contact with something bad? Am I just unlucky? The answer to this is one I don't think we will ever know. 

These words have become labels in society.  But I refuse to let any of them label me as a person.  Just because I have a few monsters and words to my name doesn't mean I can't be a good mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, worker etc.  They don't affect who we are inside at all, it just changes how we live our lives.  As much as I hate my monsters on days like today when I'm feeling defeated.  I'm thankful at the same time.  They have taught me how others that have their own words feel, how life is about more than being perfect and healthy. That nomatter what you can still do everything you put your mind to. I've learned to make the best of everyday, even the tough ones Iike today.  I've learned that imperfections don't change who a person is. They don't make them any less human. 

And most importantly I've learned to accept them because they aren't going away anytime soon. My monsters and I in a way have become friends we have found a way to coexist.  On no good very bad days like today I may feel sad,pained and sorry for myself but I know there is someone somewhere that feels it to and I'm not alone. 

-Alivia 

The Ascent- An essay I wrote my first year in college

I wrote this essay during my first year of college about my battle with Endometriosis and thought I would share it with you all! :) Too bad so many things have changed and the ending of this is no longer true. :(

The Ascent

Since I was a child, I have dreamed about climbing to the top of Mount Everest. I watched a show on The Discovery Channel where they showed an episode about a woman who spent several days climbing to the top of Mount Everest and it inspired me to want to accomplish that as well. Thinking about the journey, the steps I would take, and the experiences I would go through, excites me. As I sit here, thinking about how amazing it would be to climb to the beautiful peak of that mountain top, I realize there will be triumphs and struggles along the way and I may never reach my destination. It takes me back to one of the roughest times in my life when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, when I did not know if I could climb to the top of my life’s expedition.

 In February of 2010, I was a senior in high school. While everyone was deciding on what college to go to, along with what they wanted to do after they graduated, I was at home trying to decide what doctor I should see next and that he/she may be able to figure out what was going on in my body. The intense burning in the pit of my stomach was unbearable and I did not think that anyone could solve my medical mystery. I felt as though I would live in agony for the rest of my life. Every night, I woke up frightened, thinking I was going to die, or that I had some form of abysmal cancer.  They ran test after test with no answer. My life was flipping upside down and I felt as if I was tumbling to the bottom of a colossal mountain.            

After I graduated, I still had no answers. My family started to think I was imagining the pain; the pain that I was enduring for so long. I was told countless times by multiple doctors and the people I thought cared for me, that it was all in my head. I finally decided to I take it upon myself to find answers. I frantically searched the internet for information that could lead to my diagnosis. I viewed several articles on “causes of abdominal pain in young women,” and I finally found something that caught my attention. Web MD had information about a disease called Endometriosis. “The name endometriosis comes from the word ‘endometrium,’ which is the tissue that lines the inside of the uterus. Endometriosis occurs when tissue that looks and acts like endometrial tissue is found outside the uterus, usually inside the abdominal cavity” (Web MD). The article stated the different symptoms the disease could cause, and matched my symptoms perfectly such as severe abdominal pain and lower back pain. As I read more about this, I made an appointment to see my doctor and she confirmed that it was a good possibility that this is what I had. In October, I had my first surgery that led to the diagnosis of Endometriosis.

My fiancé was with me when I had the surgery as well as when I had my post-operative appointment. We learned together that I will be struggling with Endometriosis for the rest of my life. She explained that it may be hard for us when we are ready to conceive. She said that it wasn’t impossible, but we would have a lower chance than woman with no reproductive diseases. Every little girl dreams of becoming a mother one day and when I heard the news, I was heartbroken beyond belief. I know there are many different options such as adopting or having a surrogate mother, but I had always pictured the day I would give birth to my healthy baby boy or girl. I was imagining his or her sparkling, blue eyes looking up at me while I pondered how I could create such a beautiful little being.  A hundred questions came rushing into my mind, such as, “will I ever get to feel that feeling?” “will my fiancé leave me if I can’t get pregnant?” “am I going to end up paying thousands of dollars in fertility treatments?” and  “Why is this happening to me?”

I later discovered more physical problems that were caused by my disease. I moved to Oklahoma from Texas to live closer to my fiancé’s family and quickly realized that working as a waitress, eight hours on my feet, was not practical. The pain was so excruciating and radiated throughout my entire body making it almost impossible to stand. I had to quit my job after three short months of working. Surprisingly, my fiancé’s mother offered me a position working for her at home where I would not have to be on my feet all day. I was very grateful for such a generous opportunity. However, after a few months I felt very isolated. I did not know anyone in Oklahoma and working at my mother in law’s house made it almost impossible to make friends. I became depressed so I decided to try working for a daycare and I loved it. I got to work with children and made a lot of great friends. It made me ecstatic to be doing something that I loved, and being out of an office chair. Sadly, after a few months my manager at the daycare was starting to get very annoyed with me because I had to keep missing work for doctor’s appointments, or because the pain was so bad that day that I could not even get out of bed. I was starting to get embarrassed by the amount of times I called in, so I ended up putting in my two weeks’ notice. After this I became to believe there was no hope for me to get a real job outside my mother in law’s house. It was extremely upsetting to think that I was going to have to sit inside of a tiny office for the rest of my life. I dreamed of being a teacher at an elementary school one day but I did not know how I could accomplish that if I cannot stay on my feet for longer than thirty minutes.

After going through all these struggles, I never thought I would overcome this disease and get passed all the difficulties it has caused me. I am now happily married to my biggest supporter who has stood by my side for three surgeries and beyond. My doctor thinks that our chances of getting pregnant are pretty high since my Endometriosis has been improving so we have begun trying for our first child. I am currently working with my mother in law again where I have received a promotion and I can work at home or at the company’s warehouse. I can now interact with people every day and it’s really exciting to be sociable again. This is my first year of college and I am majoring in Early Childhood Education, where I hope one day I can become a first grade teacher. Staring at the bottom, not knowing how I was going to deal with this disease, I slowly climbed my way up through the struggles and complications that I did not think I could survive. I have not quite reached the top of where I want to be, but I know now that if I do not give up and keep on climbing, I will one day accomplish my life’s purpose.  

My Biggest Struggle

I've struggled with weight issues my whole life, everyone has their stuggles and this happens to be one of mine.   I don't know why it is besides my gastroparesis but I'm planning to take charge of it [again].   I've said this dozens of times before that I would get everything under control and lose weight. And for awhile I do but it never stays that way I always fall back into old habits. 

The last time I lost a lot of weight it was primarily due to anxiety I was experiencing and being sick.  I totally depleted my appitite and I just wouldn't feel hungry. I know that's not the way to lose weight but it showed me that my body is capable of losing it and that I'm capable of losing it.  My body felt and functioned so much better when it did.  I may not be in the condition to lose now but my goal is to lose weight and this time I'm not letting myself fall back into the habit of being lazy.

For 5 years  my weight had gone up and down so much I don't even remember what its like to feel 100% fit and healthy.  Next year is 2015 and I want to be 40pounds lighter than I am now by only will it help me be a better mother but I won't feel like I'm being dragged down all the time.  I'm tired of feeling tired of the way I look the way I feel I'm tired of all of it.

Last weekend I sat down and wrote up a plan Come February when my fitness restrictions are lifted I'm changing my diet, my eating habits and working out 3days a week I've came up with this plan and I think its totally do able.  I won't have to cut out everything I love but I don't have to chow down on It either.  I've already started cutting out foods and so far its going great I haven't had a pop in 3weeks.  And I eat a lot less sweets than before this week I've had a handful of m&ms, some ice cream and a slice of pizza not all in the same day but compared to how often I used to eat that junk its a major turn around.

They say the older you get the harder it is to lose weight and keep it off.  I'm determined to get back to my goal weight I'd love to be the weight, I was in school. But I know how unrealistic that is and I'm ok with it.  I'm just tired of feeling tired all the time like I have no energy.   Laziness will no longer be my excuse I won't say its to hot or to cold to go for a walk I won't say I'm too tired or I ate to much. I'm done telling myself ill just start Tommorrow and Tommorrow never comes.  I WILL lose 40pounds in 6 months.  I believe not only will I feel more empowered and better about myself but my endo will hate me alittle less too.

I decided to post this here even though I can't start for awhile to help with my accountability my family knows my friends know, this is no secret.  I want to succeed and I need help.