TTC is tough

   I had no idea the pain and stress trying to get pregnant would cause. We have been going at it for almost 4 years, not actively trying the entire time, but not preventing it. We took quite a few breaks from actively trying, but currently have been for about 4 months now. It is exhausting, heartbreaking, stressful, painful. I could go on and on but I won't because I know a lot of women are in my shoes and no exactly what I am going through. 

   This month, I felt hopeful. Maybe it is because Christmas is coming up. A Christmas Miracle is just what we need and would be the best gift we could ever ask for. But my fertile window is now over with. I have no clue if I ovulated or if we BD enough, or if my insides are too messed up to even allow me to get pregnant. I guess we will find out here in the next week or so. AF is due on Christmas Morning. I haven't decided if I wanted to test that day or not because I will either have an AMAZING Christmas, or a depressing one.

   I have a 14 year old sister in law. We are very close and I tell her everything (although I probably shouldn't since she is so much younger, but she seems so much more mature for her age lol). Anyway, earlier I posted about how I went to go buy those little booties so Jeremy can unwrap those on Christmas morning with a positive pregnancy test if we happen to get lucky this month. Jacey, my SIL, went with me and she is the only one who knows my plan. She told me to text her as soon as I find out, when I take the test on Christmas morning because she wants to be the first to know. Lol! But it broke my heart when she said "I will be very sad though if I don't end up getting a text that morning, because then I know you are not pregnant, and I know how bad you wanted it." It makes me happy she cares so much, but yet, I also don't think she understands the full extent to it. She has no idea how long we have been trying. Her older brother, and his wife, just gave birth to their first little girl a little over a week ago, and they had some complications, but had no problems getting pregnant at all. I think Jacey thinks how its always supposed to go. 

  I just don't know how much longer I can go on trying. Negative tests over and over again shatter my heart month after month. How do women do this without going nuts or severely depressed? I feel like I am starting to head to that direction and I just want give up. I guess it gives me a little hope when I am constantly seeing BFP's on the TTC with Endometriosis boards. A lot of them were told, like me, that they would probably never be able to conceive, and now look at them. 

   Monday, December 22, I am going to the doctor for some blood work to see if I ovulated this month. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I did and that I just had faulty tests. I will keep you updated and let you know how it goes!! 

Baby dust to all my fellow sisters who are trying to conceive. My prayers are with you daily!

-Amber