Infertility and The Holidays

I used to love the holidays! I loved every minute of them even all the stressful craziness! Then we started ttc... It will be five years in February since we first started ttc and four years this month since our first miscarriage. All holidays are hard but Christmas/December are the hardest. I didn't completely decorate my house for Christmas this year. The outside is decorated and my tree is up but normally I go all out. I avoid the baby section at any store. I don't go anywhere near Santa because my heart breaks seeing all the exciting kids and their parents. I will go to another checkout line at the grocery store instead of waiting behind a pregnant woman or newborn. My panic attacks and anxiety are getting worse. I feel like I'm drowning in all of this. Why me? All I wasn't for Christmas is baby!