My "monsters"

Days like today I hate the fact I have endometriosis its not just my endo its my gastroparesis and many other illnesses I suffer from.  Days like today when I'm feeling dragged down,tired, sniffly and just plain out of spoons and its only 12:00pm.  Ive learned how to live with these as I call them monsters running around inside my body but I'll never learn to like, or accept them.  I could have never imagined life being so hard. Countless days where all I want to do is sleep or lay down.  I've slept so much in the last few years I think I've done more sleeping than actually being up and awake.  Today is one of those days.  I have no intentions of getting out of bed, I couldn't sleep all night, and I used up my spoons making myself breakfast.  

Despite all this I know I can't let these "monsters" bring me down.  I can't let them stop me from my goals and dreams in life and I won't.  Growing up I always saw people suffer from being sick. My mom has ms and I never really understood what I meant, it was just words to me "cancer, multiple sclerosis, diabetes, dementia, ibs, chronic,sick, pain, hospitals".  They were just words I didn't know what any of them meant or how they felt.  But now I'm older and I have my own words "PTSD, endometriosis, IBS, IBD, POTS, migraines, scoliosis, asthma , gastroparesis, hypothyroidism, Allergies, IC, Depression, anxiety" I can fully understand what these words mean how they make you feel and how they affect your life.  I know how my mom feels daily and the sad part is I think she has more good days than me.  Even on her worst days she doesn't give up or let it bring her down.   I wish I was half that strong I find myself wondering on a daily basis how I ended up with so many "monsters" was I born this way? Did I come in contact with something bad? Am I just unlucky? The answer to this is one I don't think we will ever know. 

These words have become labels in society.  But I refuse to let any of them label me as a person.  Just because I have a few monsters and words to my name doesn't mean I can't be a good mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, worker etc.  They don't affect who we are inside at all, it just changes how we live our lives.  As much as I hate my monsters on days like today when I'm feeling defeated.  I'm thankful at the same time.  They have taught me how others that have their own words feel, how life is about more than being perfect and healthy. That nomatter what you can still do everything you put your mind to. I've learned to make the best of everyday, even the tough ones Iike today.  I've learned that imperfections don't change who a person is. They don't make them any less human. 

And most importantly I've learned to accept them because they aren't going away anytime soon. My monsters and I in a way have become friends we have found a way to coexist.  On no good very bad days like today I may feel sad,pained and sorry for myself but I know there is someone somewhere that feels it to and I'm not alone. 

-Alivia