An {Open Letter} to My Endo

Dear Endo, 
     Before I heard the words "you have Endometriosis" I had no idea how much you would end up changing my life.  You were just a word to me, a really long word that I had no idea what it even meant an for awhile I couldn't even remember what it was half the time.  I never talked about it with anyone because I didn't think you affected so many people I thought it was just something the unlucky few got. I thought you could easily be cured by surgery.   I was way off you have affected my life in so many ways I find myself mentioning your very existence at least once if not more times a day.  I've said your name more than I have said the word flu.  Ive blamed virtually everything that goes wrong in my life on you.  You're not a death sentence and you cant kill but I have seen so many lives lost so many people give up because you took so much.  I find myself wondering often what we ever did to deserve to be physically overtaken to have all of our dreams become such a reach to accomplish.

   I often wonder lately if all the treatments to try and rid myself from your grip are maybe just feeding you more. That if I just leave you alone you will leave me alone and we can learn to coexist. The pain with TTC and Pregnancy and loss you have caused me seems to be worse the more treatments I try.  I'm angry all the time I'm angry at you that you have taken from us the ability to have children with little effort, the ability to have an enjoyable pregnancy, the ability to hang out with friends, eat what I want, work out like I used to,  You have taken so many nights away from me so many events I had to cancel plans for simply because you decided it was a nice day to launch a full on attack. 

I wish you could talk back I know talking illness sounds insane right? But I wish you could explain why, where you came from or what I could have done differently.  It breaks my heart to see my fellow sisters go though so much heartbreak, struggleso much for something others take for granted.  It may be wrong but I wish you didnt exist I hate my life since you came,  I find myself hating women who dont have you living inside them who can have babies when they want and dont have to deal with loss.  They dont know how hard life is for us they dont see all the ones who have lost so much due to you.  In fact it infuriates me.  Its a strange idea to think there is a part of your body against you.  what do you want from us because I refuse to give you anymore of my time.

In a way Im more thankful for life and the good days I have since you came but I hope someday you have a cure that future generations wont have to deal with the pain and heartache that you bring. Until then I guess Ill have to continue to learn to coexist with you even though its a constant push and shove relationship.

-Sincerely your host- Alivia